If I could Only Write One Post (The Sacred AF Truth of Waking the Fuck Up)

A confession, a reckoning, a reclamation of the girl I survived and the Woman I chose to become.

If you don’t appreciate the fine art of profanity, this is definitely...not for you.

I don't even know what I want to say...but something compelled me to get out my laptop, open Substack, and speak to you.

"Take up fucking space and write like you fucking mean it" is what I heard...so here I am! 
And I challenge you to do the same
This is a collab with my Higher Self it seems!

So what comes to me as i sit here now:
if I could only write one post...what would I want to say to you? 
If I could only write ONE post for me...what would I say?

I would say:
I see you, mofo.
I see the light that you are.
I see the joy you carry in your heart.
I see the love that radiates out from your soul.
I see the eyes of the child, weary from her travels, but full of awe at finally being seen.

I see the innocence, the purity, the naivety, of the one beneath the façade.
I see colours of your soul wanting to be expressed.
I see the divinity that flows through your veins.

I see the peace you run away from, because the silence speaks too loudly.
I see the human vessel that has taken the brunt of it all but still loyally shows up for you.
I see the pain you wear as your punishment,
I see the demons you nurture and glorify, as you stand by and watch them consume you. 
I see the fear you grip like a fix, its toxic fumes making you believe you're safe here, that you belong here.

Every moment of your life is offering you an invitation. It is saying, 'Hey, come be with me, experience the glory of this life, sit with me, marvel at the majesty of being.' 
And even though nine times out of ten you reject it, life will keep handing it to you. 

Being human is a gift of untold expansion for your soul...and yeah...my human self says..."fuck you" to this too...but with lots of love.

I stutter and fumble when it comes to what so many call 'woo-woo bullshit', because that's how I used to see it too, I was a massive sceptic. Religion was weaponised against me in my youth. I had zero faith...which is not entirely true, because I still bought Angel Cards, talked to my angels, had conversations with "God"...but on the down low. You get me? Because the soul is always nudging you. Your inner truth is always quietly humming.

This journey is a remembrance. And fuck me, is it intricately and divinely designed...with the the agreement being, for me to wake the fuck up. 

This Divine drive to awaken to yourself is embedded in the essence of your energy, and in your human form it lingers in the discomfort you feel when you move away from your truth.

I know I have been divinely protected many times. The fact that I am sat here, writing this, is by no means a coincidence. There have been countless moments where I could have died or taken my own life. That alone makes this life precious. I choose to stay, I live on the edge between form and formless...that's how I understand death. A crossing through the veil. (A beaded curtain would be great fun, lol.) When I leave this vessel, I will be free to cross through the veil created for this experience...and you best believe I will be visiting some people...lol.

And the only reason I can see you this clearly is because I had to see myself through the same flame. That's your bridge. That's the truth.

Now...here's the bit that tends to trigger people. 
What I am about to say challenged the fuck out of me too.

This human experience you have signed up to is a gift. If you're reading this, you already know this at some level. And yet, when we're fully tangled in the humanness of it all, we forget...and that's okay. We are here to be human.

This vessel was chosen specifically by your soul.Not randomly, but at a moment shifting the entire universal energy. 
Your soul chose YOU. 
Take that in. 

(And sit in stillness and ask: Why this vessel? The answer astounded me.) 

Think of all the ways you have hated on yourself. Then take in the fact that your soul was like:
"Yeah...this one. She's gonna smash this fucking mission." 
She'll blaze through the lessons, the generational fuckery, reconnect to past lives, reintegrate her gifts and abilities, channel the fucking divine, shine like a beacon and radiate that shit far and wide. 

That's you, bitch.

But first it hurts.
And Goddess, I know it has hurts deeply. ("we do not dismiss that"). 
It is the human way: to learn through pain. It's the visceral sensory experience your soul craves for consciousness expansion. 

"It is for you to feel all it is to be human, but not get lost in the experience and become it."

You have designed it to hurt so much that it would crack you open, throw you into the abyss, and ignite the spark of remembering, so you'd realise you are not the pain; you're the one observing it. And you can to kiss the wound, nurture it, heal it, love it and transmute it. 

In soul there is no good or bad. There is love, compassion, wonder, curiosity, and the urge to expand. 
Earth is the Oxford of Soul School. You had to experience a lot of shit to get here. 
This ain't no pre-school. 
This is the playing field of the pro's. 
YOU are a pro.

Your human vessel facilitates this magnificent experience. I know it may not feel like that...I used to hate this experience, I get it.
But when you see the divine design, the blueprint...when you embody the trust your soul has in your vessel...it's fucking amazing.

But here's the part most people recoil at:
The idea that we choose this vessel, this journey.

I get why people get defensive. I did too. When I first heard it, I wanted to throw my phone at the wall and scream: "FUCK YOU, MOFO!"

It is easier to believe we are inherently evil, bad, dirty, fucked up people, being punished for all our sins by living the misery of being human...because then it's out of my hands and 'I am a victim of God, paying for my sins, through my suffering." If that is you...sorry, not sorry! 

But when I finally owned it...the idea that I crafted the experience I needed...it was brutal at first. 
i felt very bruised.
But then I saw it:
In the eternal existence of the soul, this is a few minutes. Not that deep...even though my human self screams otherwise.

Before the wake-the-fuck-uppening, life felt like punishment. A confirmation that I was indeed the dirty, shameful, bad, ugly creature that others kept showing me I was, the one that stared back at me in the mirror and taunted me in my mind relentlessly. The poison that crept through my veins and crawled under my skin threatened to eviscerate me. And because it was familiar...it felt comforting.

I was a victim of life and myself, so I created more hardship and suffering. Because that's what I deserved, right? That's what the world showed me.

I understood humans...psychology, trauma, healing. working with thousands of vulnerable people. But none of it answered the real question.

WHY? Why does this fuckery happen to glorious people?

What else can one surmise at this point...other than, life is shit and we must be shit at some level to be experiencing this fuckery, while so many others just don't have to, and yet countless others may be experiencing much worse, so maybe I should just be grateful and shut the fuck up? 

When you are a mother and work with children and young people and they ask why life hurts them..."people are shit" isn't a good enough answer.

I wasn't meant to keep living from that paradigm.

It was my dismantling...the implosion, the destruction of my life as I knew it...that threw me into the abyss. On the day of my reckoning, I found myself on my knees, screaming into what I thought was a cruel, empty void:
help me, i cant do this, 
help me, i cant do this, 
help me i cant do this, 
what the fuck did i do so wrong?
why the fuck are you punishing me?
what the fuck do you want from me? 
what the fuck do you want me to do? 
for fucks sake, answer me...

And then I heard it:

Love yourself or lose yourself.
love yourself or lose yourself.
love yourself or lose yourself.

I thought I was losing my mind, but I wasn't. The Divine embraced me. The door opened.

As the veil lifted and the fog of my humanness cleared, the facade fell. I took tentative steps back home. I was never alone.

Then I realised...the deep craving for home, for the love I could never banish, nor separate from, was my innate connection to Source making itself known, even through the density of my human form...and the illusion of separateness crumbled. 

The pain was my soul's siren to wake up, to remember, to reconnect. Because this life... this life has been lifetimes in the making. 

Then came the love and light phase...you know the one...where everything feels magical and you think you've cracked the Universe...Ha! She has no idea what's coming!

The wrecking ball has arrived: homelessness, separation from my adult children, poverty, isolation, physical issues, perimenopause, total fucking mental and emotional breakdown. It dug into the very core of my being, unearthing the disgust, shame, guilt, humiliation, self loathing, that was rotting in the shadows, I had so desperately avoided. These were the very foundations I had laid in infancy to make sense of my senseless, excruciating world...to survive. 

My adult life was shaped through that lens. I manifested or co-created my world through the lens of fear I embodied as a child...I was not good enough for this world, I was dirty, there was something inherently wrong with me and I would get found out and punished...that was the foundation for all that I built and when the foundation of a house is shaky, whatever you build on top is going to crumble...as it did...so spectacularly! 

Did I consciously manifest this? Fuck no. Did I need to live enough fuckery to wake me up, because frankly, I was so conditioned I kept sleepwalking in the illusion?...fuck yes.

The work is deep. The work is YOU.
I came here to smash through the learnings, to experience myself as Ami...this fucking amazing sensory experience and to be awake through it... and I would not change for anything. 

When you reclaim your soul-knowing, the entire possibility for your life shifts. But you have to be willing to step out of the costume...the one that's comfortable but choking you.

You have to be willing to love yourself.
To devote yourself to yourself.
To be open to the unseen.
Learn to trust yourself. 
See yourself through the eyes of the divinity that flows through you.

Question everything you've been told to believe, every tattooed truth on your psyche.
Unlearn.
Reparent.
Retrain.
Not to become someone new...but to remove the obstacles between you and yourself...built to protect you from yourself, and a life that hurt you. 

Your soul calls you to live only in the now. The past stays alive through you, through your human mind, your thoughts and feelings. You radiate what you still carry. So transmute that shit...that is the work.

At this point I had to walk away and...literally walk. Now that I'm back like: wtf was I saying?!

Yeah, I need to end it here...for now. Did any of this makes sense? Who knows. I let my soul lead and this is where we landed. 

And if this was the only post I ever wrote, this is the truth I would leave you with:

'Awakening' is a fucking mind fuck. It will test you, challenge you, push you to the edge...all to remind you of who the fuck you really are.

It may piss you off. Good. Your ego will survive it.

There is no hiding, no bypassing, no avoiding, no running away. So suck that shit up, buttercup.

ACCEPTANCE is a beautiful thing on this ride...btw!

This opens up a whole new world...Aladdin style, lol. 
It gives you the power back, you are no longer the victim. You are the driver, the passenger and the navigation system. You are the Source, the oracle, the guru. Nothing outside you can shift what's inside you.

YOU are the fucking magic.
It's all YOU

This is you reminder to jump in fully...don't understand it with your mind. 
Feel it in your being. 

Thank you for witnessing me and for witnessing yourself in these words. May this truth find the part of you that's still fighting to exist.
I fucking love you.🥰

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✨🔮REFLECTION
Sit with this one truth:
Where in your life have you been surviving a past version of you instead of choosing the person you are becoming?
Write it.
Name it,
Bless the one who lived it.
And then...let her go.

With fierce love, fire, and devotion,
Ami.💜

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